To update: I emailed Arturia and received a response that they are in fact working on a firmware update, but they couldn't share with me the expected timeline or the expected contents.
I find it encouraging that the product supposedly isn't yet abandonware, but disappointing that they won't share any more details, especially with customers who already made a purchase and are frustrated that the product doesn't live up to what was promised. I asked them to share that frustration uphill with management (who knows if they will or if management cares) but if you feel like emailing and expressing similar sentiments, maybe it'll have an effect.
Anyway, fingers crossed there's another update someday that actually does smooth things out.